"Don't go home."

On my way home from work tonight, my cell phone rang.

“Mom?” Ashlee’s voice sounded strange.

“What’s wrong honey?”

“Don’t go home. Daddy’s having a bad day,” she said.

I pulled over to the side of the road so I could talk to her.

“What’s he doing, Ashlee?” I asked.

“He locked himself in the bathroom, mom. He told me to go to Mrs. Mary’s.”

I asked her where she was calling me from and she said Mary’s house. I drove straight to Mary’s. Fox was there with Ashlee when I got there. She ran to me and hugged me tightly.

Quietly, I told Fox I needed to go home and check on Nick.

“Not alone you’re not. I’m going with you,” he stated and grabbed his coat.

“Ashlee, you stay with Mrs. Mary until one of us comes back to get you, ok?”

“Ok mom,” she replied.

With my hands I brushed her hair back. “Are you all right, honey?”

With a very small smile she shook her head yes. She was worried about Nick.

“Everything will be all right. We’ll be back in a little while, sweetheart,” Fox smiled at Ashlee and kissed her on top of the head before we left.


Nick had locked himself in the upstairs bathroom at home. The good news is there are two doors into that bathroom. The bad news is he’d locked them both.

“Nicki?” I gently knocked on the door. He didn’t respond but I could hear him slide over a little on the tile floor.

“Baby, it’s me. Can I come in so we can talk? Can you unlock the door for me?” I asked.

From the sounds I could hear, it sounded like he was crying.

“Nick?” I asked again.

I slid down on the floor next to the door to try to get him to talk to me. I could see he was sitting right in front of the door.

“I’m…I’m…” he started to say in a broken voice and then stopped.

“It’s ok, honey. I’m right here. Tell me what’s wrong, Nick.”

“I been seein’ ‘em all day! They’re in my head and won’t go away! They won’t go away!” he started crying again.

“Nicki, please open the door for me? Please? I can help you make them go away,” I said quietly. My tears now started to flow.

“No! I can’t…I can’t let you in,” he replied. “I can’t trust me like this!”

Fox looked at me and pointed he was going to go try to get in the other door.

“You would never hurt me, Nicki. I know you wouldn’t. Please, baby. Open the door so we can talk face to face and I can help you.”

“Baby, I got a gun in my hand and I can’t be trusted! Please, Viv…go away! I don’t want to hurt you! Please baby!” he sobbed.

Fox walked back into the room with me because he’d heard Nick say he had a gun. He looked at me and whispered, “Tell him to move away from the door and you’re coming in.”

I looked up at Fox. He showed me he was going to kick the door in if I could get Nick to move away from the door.

“Nicki, can you get to the shower? The water makes them go away, remember? Use the water to help you,” I reminded him.

It took a minute or so, but I saw his shadow on the other side of the door move.

Fox helped me up and was getting ready to kick the door in and I put my hand up for him to wait.

I heard him drop the gun on the tile and turn the water on. I waited until I was sure he’d stepped inside the tub.

I nodded to Fox to go ahead.

Just as Fox was getting ready, I heard Nick’s voice quietly say, “You were right, Viv. You were right. They’re goin’ away! They’re goin’!” He sounded so relieved.

“You just stay in there until they’re all gone, honey,” I replied and buried my tear-stained face in Fox’s chest. He put his arms around me to hug me. I didn’t want Nick to know I was crying.

“Where’s the key for this door?” Fox whispered.

“In the kitchen cupboard,” I whispered back while trying to compose myself.

Fox quietly walked into the kitchen to retrieve the key.

“Nicki? Are you better? Can I come in now?” I asked.

He didn’t respond.

“Nicki?” I asked a second time.

He didn’t respond.

I put the key in the door lock and very slowly unlocked it. I opened the door just enough to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the floor of the tub backwards with the water running over his head. I decided to open the door all the way. With my foot, I slid the gun across the tile and out the door to Fox.

I sat down on the edge of the tub and stroked his head.

“Are you feeling better, baby?” I asked.

He looked at me and smiled.

“Yeah, I believe I am. I’m just gonna sit here awhile like this, ok?”

“Yeah, baby,” I leaned down and kissed the top of his head, “Ok.”

I looked back at Fox. He motioned he was going to go.

“Thank you,” I mouthed to him. He looked at the floor, shook his head yes and quietly left.


Fox dropped Ashlee off half an hour later at our house.

Nick, Ashlee and I sat down and talked about what happened. Nick told her how grateful he was that she had followed his instructions and left the house like he’d told her to do. From the look on Ashlee’s face I think she was just glad he was doing better.

I don’t know what set off his flashbacks. Neither did he. When you deal with PTSD, you never know what’s going to happen day to day. You can’t anticipate anything. At times, it’s a little like walking on razor barbed wire. Today was a bad day for Nick. Tomorrow will be better.